When I moved to Russia, my goal was to better understand where my parents came from in hopes of learning why they are the way that they are.
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I’m lucky. My Ded is 91. Has perfect memory + recall. He loves to tell stories once prompted. It took me some time to warm him up. After all, he’s of the Soviet system, which took away his Father from him for nearly 15 years. Here one day. Gone the next. No reason. No explanation. That was the Stalin regime + you better Armor Up.
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Ded doesn’t show emotion. Even when speaking of his Father + the war, he straightens himself out in order to stop his lip from quivering + his eyes from glazing over w/tears. He is practical. Logical. He believes that people should be good but finds that very few are. He doesn’t trust anyone but himself.
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I lived w/Ded for my 1st month in Moscow. At first, his “coldness” felt odd to me. I thought, “he mustn’t love me”. Then I understood that his coldness needed love. So, I warmed up.
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I took this as an opportunity to learn how to love in the face of unconscious rejection. He didn’t want to be cold towards me. He just didn’t know how else to be. I took it upon myself to open him up. By remaining in the space of love even when he didn’t reciprocate, it allowed me to float through some of our differences, biding time as he learned to trust me. I realized, his behaviors were learned, done so in order for him to survive. But so were mine. Which meant, I could change things. Bc at 32 + w/all the work I’ve done on Self, I knew better. I had the tools to break my patterns into healthier ones.
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When he went cold. I went warm. When he went lukewarm. I went hot. I did not flinch. I needed to see this through. I stayed the course.
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In this process we learned how to love one another together. You see? Once I stepped up MY game, he followed suit. That’s why I believe that it’s upon us to set the tone of the playing field. We CAN change things. It just takes work.
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Lucky. That’s how I feel. To be gifted these two men who’ve taught me SO much about myself + all the things that I’m capable of doing/being/becoming.