You Have a Brain. Take Responsibility.
On August 11th, I wrote an email to a woman whose advice and connection to the Universe I trust wholly.
It went something like this: “I’m not saying that you’re wrong but all the things you said would happen are not, in fact they’ve gotten worse and I’m trying to understand why that is.”
All the wrongs I highlighted in my email to this woman you can read about in full below << see: NY Broke Me Into The Unknown Me>> To be fair!! They were difficult things. They felt like fak, another blow?! Seriously Universe, why me?! You’re making me into a Flake!
I was becoming agitated with myself for canceling on others. One person even said after spending some time with me, “it seems like there are always obstacles with you”. Yeah, well, I guess there are. It’s been a year (and some change) — I’m moving through them. Somedays I can laugh it off - other days I take that personally. It’s not fun being the broken one, especially when you’re trying so hard to mend. You hear that Universe?!
I am “that” person who will send texts to say (for the 100th time) “i’m sorry, i can’t make it, i have to put health first”. And, I am “that” person who sits down across from you when I finally make it out of my living space to say, “i’m good” and either share the truth, or deflect towards a story about you. There’s also “that” person where I have to take the first 30 minutes of our time together to quietly calm myself internally, taking deep breaths, and whispering words like “i’m not going to body fail right now…I’m going to be okay…breathe, alyonka!”
(paul if you’re reading this — this was me w/you prior to our museum exploration — next time I’ll just be vocal about it — not just with you, with all of my close peoples) i’m learning.
On September 2nd, I received this woman’s reply:
Could it have been written a bit softer with less of a heavy blow? Yeah. Probably
But I think she knew something that I didn’t, which is that I don’t take to bullshit. I don’t take to the “oh, honey, it’s going to be okay…just stay strong” talk. I take to the TRUTH. The hard to hear TRUTH. The punch in the gut kind of TRUTH. And I think she knew that if she threw in the word RESPONSIBILITY that it might crack me wide open to something I’ve been yearning to bloom.
This struck a chord.
The first thought I had was: “but I am! look at what i’m doing! i moved to new york! i’m trying to build my business! I’m taking meetings! I’m working on my Recovery! I’m doing!!!”
The second thought was my inner-child: “i’m not lazy! I’m not like them! I’m not like those in my family who do nothing and don’t work for anything! I’m not an alcoholic! Look, I’m not even drinking anymore! I’ve even cut back on sugar. I’m taking naps even though I’m not supposed to! It’s not laziness! It’s filling me up! Can’t you see?”
Then I read her email in full again and focused on the all you do have. I began a compare and contrast. I took September 2, 2018 and compared it to September 2, 2017. Okay.
Well, my health is 100 miles furthered and better than it was. I can do, more or less, normal things again. I grew an entirely new business from scratch. I’ve traveled to places that have opened my eyes both through my Road Trip and my time in Moscow + Israel. I’ve ironed out most of the kinks within my family’s walls. I’ve learned about intimacy and my personal boundaries. I’ve bonded my friendships. I’ve cut out people who do not fill me up. I’ve learned how to say no and how to say yes. I am more vocal, period, about my wants and needs, no matter the outcome or the response. And I’m continuously open to learning and accessing The Unknown.
Damn. Okay. But, like..what’s with this responsibility thing? THAT certainly makes me look responsible.
“Yeah, ALYON, but YOU ALWAYS FORGET ABOUT YOU.”
Said my friend while sitting together at her home, her hands softly brushing her long hair aside as she hit the core of my Truths. She’s right. The woman is right. Much of what I do and have been doing is through the lens of “for others” and not through the lens of “for myself”.
The travel, the accumulated knowledge, the curiosity, the asking questions, the working through obstacles, EVERYTHING — as soon as it happens I begin to think “OH THIS WILL AID ME IN HELPING OTHERS”.
“Maybe the Responsibility she’s talking about is the Responsibility you need to take care of you. You know, focus on yourself.”
And then I thought, “who are you, Alyon?”
“What are your Unknowns? What fears come up for you In The Unknown?”
The same way I dig into people in my Workshops I began to dig in myself. I left my friends apartment and walked the streets of New York for a while. The answer became clear to me as I neared my apartment:
My biggest Unknown is Me.
Again - same pattern - I DO SO MUCH in order to avoid going deeper within me. Sure all that I’ve done in the last year has certainly aided me through my personal process as much as it’s aided others, but the difference is that when people leave the Workshop, they leave with their thoughts of Discomfort after baring their souls and hearing new truths, whereas I leave with a ton of their stuff that I process for the next Workshop, or Podcast, or conversation, or One on One.
What does this mean?
This means that by the time I got home and came to my realization I wrote back to the Woman to say: “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Thank you for this email. I needed to hear this today and not a second sooner or later.” And after that I released (surrendered) all the expectations I had put on myself that aligned with doing rather than being; of getting ‘there’ by this time, or being healthy by that time, or ‘making it’ in this city, or anything else that I was trying TO FORCE and TO CONTROL.
I cannot take responsibility for the rest of my life until I take responsibility for myself - FOR ME.
That means COMING HOME TO ME. That means TAKING TIME FOR ME. That means FILLING UP MY CUP. That means DISCOVERING ME. That means MAKING MISTAKES. That means FALLING. That means GETTING BACK UP. That means TRYING NEW THINGS. That means AWAKENING OLD DESIRES. That means TAKING THE HAND OF MY INNER-CHILD. That means WALKING INTO FEAR. That means ACCESSING THE UNKNOWN.
That means DOING ALL THE THINGS I WAS DOING THIS PAST YEAR
BUT DOING THEM FOR ME.
SO I’M GOING TO MOSCOW.
This Thursday. I don’t have a return ticket because it’s a one-way ticket. And I don’t have an itinerary or a plan.
I have three intentions: 1) to follow my desire from my hypnotherapy session (stay at my Grandma’s summer cottage unplugged from the world) and 2) to return to Germany for a health retreat.
The rest I am going to do when the feeling comes up. When my intuition speaks up. When it feels right. For me and not for anybody else. And 3) to find my inner-child aka come home to me. That means accessing parts of myself that I have shut down because they were not socially acceptable, or ‘adults don’t do this’, or ‘it’s too emotional’, or it’s ‘too weird’, etc.
“I miss the weird you.”
My sister texted me this week. I said, “i don’t know where she is”. To which she replied, “that’s too bad. I liked her.” It got me thinking (what doesn’t) how many people are sitting suffering acting like shells of themselves in order to fit into the world. How sad. How painful. I know. Because I filled that part of me up with my Eating Disorder. Now that it’s been mostly eradicated I’ve been feeling an emptiness — the very same one I’ve been BUSYING myself up in order not to feel — and I think it’s that part of me that’s saying …
“hey, remember me? can I come out to play already?”
Scary. For me it’s scary. It’s The Unknown. She’s Unknown. That little girl I quieted so many years ago. But I don’t want to live a mediocre life anymore. And I don’t want to have to apologize for my being too much or not enough. And I don’t want to be anything but LIVING now that I’ve chosen Life over Death.
So I’m going to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and I’m going ON THE ROAD, back Home to Me to make My Unknown Me, Known.
And because old habits die hard, I hope this next leg of my journey inspires you to do the same.